


A Pot of Gold

by dakeyras



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Naruto
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Foreplay, Lemon, Light Bondage, Porn, Porn With Plot, Rule 34, Smut, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 18:58:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12087309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dakeyras/pseuds/dakeyras
Summary: Naruto, after annoying the Hokage one too many times, is given a mission he's sure is meant as a punishment. But maybe, just maybe, he'll make the best of it...Naruto/Rita Skeeter lemon (although ~3/4 of the story is sfw)





	A Pot of Gold

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first Naruto/Rita Skeeter one-shot ever, as far as I can tell. I've not been able to find any existing one, at least. It's also the first Naruto/Rita Skeeter lemon. Please don't think too ill of me for this!
> 
> (On Naruto's end it's set post-canon, where Naruto himself is 22 years old. Anyone alive at the start of Naruto canon is still alive at the start of the fic. On Harry Potter's end, it's set some time during Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.)

"Hey, what's up! I heard you had a special task for me." Naruto slouched theatrically against the doorway to the Hokage's room. "You came to the right guy."

Hiruzen Sarutobi set aside the scroll he was annotating and flicked a precise blob of ink at Naruto. It sailed through the air and splattered onto the wall, exactly where his nose had been a moment ago. "At least your break from active duty hasn't completely blunted you. It seems it hasn't done much for your sense of decorum either, though," Sarutobi said. Naruto now hung from the ceiling, swinging back and forth and grinning.

"You know I'm the best you've got, gramps. Nothing escapes me, but nothing else can." Naruto nodded as though he'd just imparted some great wisdom; it was slightly undermined by him also juggling a set of kunai. Somehow he always managed to get under Hiruzen's skin, but given who his two teachers were, that was to be expected.

But sadly there was only so much time in the day, and the Hokage knew he had many more appointments left. He set aside his brush and schooled his features into a professional mask. Naruto took the hint and sprang to attention. "Your next mission is of vital importance. We've been hired to help in an external conflict, and part of that is winning over the locals for the faction paying us. There's a woman there who writes reports for the public, and we must get her on our side.  _No_  avenue of attack is off-limits in this. A full profile is in this dossier."

Naruto opened the file to see a dozen pictures of a blond woman with poisonous green glasses from various angles. There were also notes about her house, neighbourhood, favourite shops, favourite foods, and… "Um... maybe I should go ask Jiraiya for advice."

He carefully put down the picture of the target and her last partner engaged in  _activities._  Activities of the sort that didn't require clothes – or rather, required a lack of them.

"See that you do. After all, it's of vital importance that you prepare properly." Sarutobi smirked as Naruto almost ran out of the Hokage tower.  _At last, a chance to get my own back._

* * *

"Pervert-sensei, I need your help!"

It had taken Naruto a full hour to find Jiraiya, and so he'd had a chance to calm down a little. Now, thinking about the conversation he was about to have, the panic rose once more. It wrapped soft fingers around his throat, gently choking him as it nailed his feet to the floor.

"What's the matter?"

Naruto wordlessly thrust the dossier at the old man, who skimmed through it and then started to laugh.

"Yeah, I can see why you came to me. After all, looking at this woman's profile, a Super Pervert like myself would have an easy time with her."

"So you can help me?" Naruto forced out. "I've got a month to prepare for this mission, but I don't really know what to do. It's not really my sort of problem, ya know? Like, I'd rather just punch someone and be done, or sneak somewhere and steal something."

"You know what to do with girls, right? And where babies come from?" Jiraiya tried and failed to keep his grin off his face. Naruto tried and failed to punch him.

"I'm not an idiot! I've had girlfriends before and stuff, it's just that it always just, well, we were friends for a while and then..."

"...You've never hit on a girl before?"

"Not exactly, no? I mean, I'm sure I could do it if I  _wanted_ –"

Jiraiya nodded, slinging an arm over Naruto's shoulders. "I'm gonna teach you everything, and I mean  _everything_ , you need to know to make any woman yours. Well, almost any woman. And by 'almost any woman' I mean 'probably a decent chunk of women'. Out of those you like, anyway. Assuming you're into the same sort of women as me, at least."

Naruto desperately tried to force down the panic again. Unsuccessfully.

* * *

The door to the Hokage's room swung open and Naruto strode in, a short red cloak flapping around his shoulders. There was a smear of ruby lipstick on his cheek and a dazed-looking girl on his arm. "I've mastered the skills you asked of me, old man!" he shouted, pointing a finger at the Hokage.

Sarutobi couldn't hold it in any longer. He burst out laughing, doubled over with glistening eyes. "I can't believe Jiraiya managed to keep you in the dark for the  _entire month_. I'm honestly impressed." A few tears scattered onto his desk as he tried to regain his breath.

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked, but the Hokage could see a dark suspicion spreading across his face. "In the dark about what? Is there something you're not telling me about the mission?"

"Every day, Naruto, every day I hand out dozens of missions. Many of them involve manipulating people in the ways that only ninja can. Do you know what our tools are when it comes to creating spies and saboteurs? Bribery. Blackmail. Social engineering. Sometimes we flirt, sometimes we fool around, and it's true that after an orgasm most people effectively lose half their IQ. But, in practice, that means we use  _genjutsu_."

"But then how come Jiraiya knew so much about seduction, if he didn't need it for missions?" Naruto glanced at the girl still hanging onto his arm, a dozy expression on her face.

Sarutobi chuckled, a gentler sound than the raucous laughter from earlier. "There's one reason, and one reason only, ninja have sex with their targets. Because they want to."

"So this was all a joke?"

"Naruto. Every time you're in my office,  _everything_ you do is a joke. I figured I'd get a little piece of revenge somehow. It's been too long since you were on the receiving end of a prank, hasn't it?"

* * *

Rita Skeeter rolled the tip of her quill against her bottom lip. The sharp taste of her special green ink always helped focus her on her current crusade. She was writing her third article about an affair between the Junior Assistant Minister of Magical Sports and Games and his counterpart from Sweden. He'd already resigned in disgrace, so she was revealing how many of his colleagues had known and covered for him. If she couldn't get, at minimum, another two resignations she'd eat her own quill.

… _and the crucial piece of evidence that would have revealed the whole sordid tale was then buried by his friend Engelbert Humperdink. The very system supposed to keep civil servants honest – civil servants that should be beholden to us, the taxpayers – instead helped them deceive us. How this came to pass is a question that-_

"Excuse me?"

Rita looked up and got a faceful of sunshine. Blue eyes, golden hair,  _gleaming_  teeth and an open and honest face to round things off. The man was smiling and she could feel an aura of joy and innocence around him. She drew her wand under the table.

To look that pure and good and wholesome took incredible talent and skulduggery.

"What do you want?" she snapped out, eyes narrowing. Every journalist made enemies and she liked to think of herself as extraordinarily successful in that regard, even by the standards of her profession.

He dropped a rolled-up ball of parchment as he leant forward. "I was just passing by when I glimpsed you, and realised that I'd be doing both of us a disservice if I didn't ask you to join me for dinner." He had a pleasant, lilting accent.

"No." She surreptitiously unrolled the parchment and glanced at its contents.  _I have an inside scoop that's of interest to you, and potentially lucrative._

"I realise I'm a stranger to you, but perhaps we could get to know one another. How about drinks at the Three Broomsticks tomorrow evening?" His tone hadn't changed at all. If Rita hadn't seen the note, she might honestly have thought the man was just hitting on her. Despite herself, she was impressed.

"I suppose I can make some time for you." Rita looked him up and down slowly, buying some time but also just appreciating the view. "You're presentable enough, at least. I'll be there at seven."

His smile grew even broader as he walked away. He hadn't told her his name, she realised.

"I'm  _so_  sick of this 'nameless spy' shit," Rita muttered under her breath.

* * *

Naruto whistled to himself as he walked around the corner. It felt awkward but, according to the research he'd done (mostly reading some of Sakura's trashier spy novels), it was an important part of the act. Step one had been a success – Rita had taken the bait. Now all he had to do was lure her in.

Jiraiya's training had been intensive. Naruto had been forced to flirt with dozens of different women, given a complete makeover by Sakura and Ino, and lectured at by Jiraiya on topics that made his ears burn just remembering them. However, in terms of advice for the mission, Jiraiya had only mentioned a few points.

Naruto unfolded the list in his pocket.  _Get a first meeting by bribing her with info. Convince her you're her type. She's too smart to easily trick and too dumb to manipulate thoroughly; openly seduce her and see if she plays along._

Underneath was scrawled an addendum:  _You might not even have to sleep with her, anyway. Just play it by ear._

The Hokage had taught him a genjutsu that could replace 'the deed', as he'd taken to thinking of it, but getting there was something he'd have to do himself. Regardless of what the Old Man had said, Naruto had wasted too much time on Jiraiya's lessons to not take them to heart. When he came back and handed in his mission report, it'd be an ideal way to get back at the Hokage, he figured.

He tucked the note away again. There was much to do, and precious little time to do it in. To start with, he needed some information he could share with Rita. A minor scandal or something of that sort would do. Slipping into the shadows, Naruto formed a quick handsign and transformed into a slightly uglier version of Sasuke. He kept the robes; for whatever reason they were incredibly popular in this country.

Just up ahead was the phone booth mentioned in the dossier. He keyed in the code and waited, fidgeting with the telephone cord.

"Please state your name and purpose at the Ministry of Magic," a disembodied voice said. Naruto jumped, whipping a kunai out and looking around. He tried to dispel the genjutsu he must be under, to no effect.

After a few seconds of hesitation, he decided to reply. "My name is Samuel Underhill, and I'm here to, uh, do unnecessary paperwork?"

A piece of metal spat out of a slot in the phone, and Naruto jumped again. The food was nice and getting to see the sights was fun, but all the strange magic was wearing on his already frayed nerves.

He picked the metal disc up and pinned it to his robe. 'Samuel Underhill, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic' it read.

Naruto's uncertainty hadn't been an act. He had no plan beyond getting somewhere with paperwork and finding something incriminating. There wasn't enough information to plan ahead, and he was always more comfortable winging it anyway – Sakura always said that his biggest strength was weaponised stupidity.

With a soft ringing sound, the booth descended into the Ministry atrium. Despite himself, Naruto gasped. The room was  _vast_ , and full of at least a hundred witches and wizards hurrying along and looking important. A golden group of statues dominated the middle of a fountain and he stared, entranced. A royal blue ceiling, full of slowly writhing golden symbols, hung over a polished wooden floor.

"Excuse me!" a stern-looking wizard snapped as he pushed past, and Naruto realised he was making a bit of a scene. He quickly ducked his head and hurried towards the elevators, using a simple genjutsu to avoid the notice of any security. His target was on the fourth floor.

By the time he'd entered one of the small metal boxes he was already on edge from the steady stream of people arriving in the fireplaces on the left and leaving on the right. When the lift rumbled into motion, it was all he could do not to lash out at the other four people in there with him.

At last he couldn't take it any longer. He quickly pushed his way out at the next stop, stammered an apology over his shoulder and darted down a deserted-looking corridor. Once he was out of sight, he layered another genjutsu over himself that would make him melt into any nearby shadows, then climbed onto the ceiling. Hanging upside-down and clinging to the heavy stone with his hands and feet, he slunk along random twists and turns, hoping to stumble onto the records room.

The security wizard who was meant to stop intruders failed to notice Naruto as he passed overhead, as did a pair of gossiping secretaries in the next room along. And then he spotted a sign pointing towards 'Internal Accounts'. At the entrance to the records room, however, Naruto's luck ran out. The doorway was small and with a low lintel, and there was another guard stood right beside it. The door itself, a solid oak-and-iron affair, was firmly shut. There was no way Naruto could sneak through. He'd need a distraction, and that meant he could raise whatever kind of havoc he wanted to.

He pulled back around the corner and made a shadow clone, which instantly transformed into Naruko. Naruto grinned appreciatively at the sight of his Sexy-no-Jutsu, which had become if anything  _better_  since he'd finished puberty. He then slid back onto the ceiling, shadowing his double as she made her way towards the guard.

"Hey," she said, tilting her head forward shyly. "I'm supposed to go get a record, but I'm not sure which one. If I don't come back with the right one, I'll get yelled at."

The guard seemed mostly unmoved, even when Naruko showed off her devastating pout. "I'm going to have to ask you to either show me valid identification or leave." He folded his arms over his chest, his wand loosely gripped in his right hand.

Naruko leaned into him, whispering in his ear. "Are you sure you can't make an exception? Just… this… once…" Her breathy voice barely reached Naruto's enhanced senses.

"Lady, I'm going to have to ask you again to leave." The security wizard was completely unmoved. Naruko reached for her strongest weapon. She turned away, pulled at the neck of her robes until it looked mussed and torn, and turned back. His gaze caught on the visible part of her breast, but he drew his wand. "Step away from the doorway, please."

Naruko took a deep breath, then shouted. "Get off me, you pervert!"

The sound echoed through the low stone hallways and Naruto knew he had to move fast.

His clone fell over backwards, hands clutching at her robes and pulling them slightly further apart. The wizard took a step forward and Naruto saw his chance. He was inside the records room and had the door closed again before the guard could notice. A rush of memories told him that Naruko had dispelled now that her job was done. He was lucky that the door hadn't been locked, and doubly lucky that nobody had come to the source of the shouting until he was through.

The room itself was long and low-ceilinged, with row upon row of folders in neat sets of bookcases. Naruto made a dozen clones to start looking and turned back to the door. It was the work of a moment to scrawl a seal over the lock and stop anyone from interrupting him.

Most of the folders were boring. Payroll information, medical forms, holiday requests, and endless pages of work confirmations – all signed and all in triplicate – were enough to almost put him to sleep. He powered through, though. He was a ninja, and sometimes that meant doing the boring jobs.

A Naruto from the other side of the room started whooping and cheering. "I found something! We don't have to read any more!" He dispelled, and the other Narutos instantly started celebrating as his memories hit them.

Walden MacNair was a versatile operative for the department, taking over tasks ranging from assigning breeder licenses to executing dangerous creatures. He also had a different file for each role, and drew half a dozen salaries at once.

"Just to check, this isn't normal for this department, right?" Naruto asked. The clones dispelled and batch after batch of memories confirmed that MacNair's arrangement was highly irregular.

"That'll definitely do for a first attempt. Time to leave, I guess." Leaving meant an excuse for another poorly-thought-out but amusing diversion.

Naruto created a pair of clones, which darted to the rear of the room. Each of them transformed into a copy of the security guard and they pointed their wands at each other. Naruto Prime then slipped into position just over the doorframe, sticking to the wall with chakra. The stone was gritty under his hands and he decided the first thing he'd do after he escaped was take a shower.

A quick swipe of his hand removed the seal from the door, and then he rapped his knuckles against it three times. After a few seconds, a wand and head cautiously peered through, scanning the room. The security wizard was soon distracted, however, by the two copies of himself at the rear of the chamber.

"What the-" he started, but the clones were already shouting.

"Why are there two copies of me?" screeched one in a passable imitation of the guard's voice.

"You're the copy, you fool!" the other yelled back.

The guard strode forward, eyes narrowed. " _I'm_  the real one." A flick of his wand launched a wave of purple light through the room, dispelling the clones the instant it touched them. The distraction was all Naruto needed, however, and he was already outside the room before the wizard turned around.

A few seconds later, he watched a glowing silver hare race along the corridor below him. Possibly some sort of alarm, he guessed, and sped up. He made it to the elevators just in time to watch a solid marble slab grow out of the ceiling.

He dropped to the floor and straight into a flat-out sprint. As the slab slid down, he skidded under it – and against the closed door of the elevator shaft.

"Hey, you! What are you doing?" shouted someone behind him.

He levered the door open just far enough to slip through right as he felt solid rock press against his head, flattening his hair. Naruto wriggled through on his belly as he heard the marble slab slam into place behind him.

"Routine maintenance!" he replied, not really expecting the wizard to buy it. He ran up the wall inside the shaft, keeping an eye out in case of a descending lift.

Naruto made it back to the atrium floor without any issues and wedged the door open a crack. Through the thin sliver he rolled a smoke bomb, then used the confusion to dart through. He was glad his transformation technique was still active – if anyone glimpsed him, it wouldn't be traced back to the appearance he'd used with Rita Skeeter.

In a flash he was at the fireplaces along one wall, where people had been leaving the Ministry in orderly queues. Most of them were scattering, many drawing their wands, but a few were still using the fires and Naruto picked one who had already cast the strange powder into the flames. As they flared up green, he pushed aside the witch standing in front and flung himself in. "The Leaky Cauldron!" he spat through a mouthful of soot, and in a blast of green fire he was gone.

* * *

Rita sat in a corner table, sipping at her mug of butterbeer and absentmindedly twirling a quill through her fingers. A roll of parchment was spread across the table in front of her, ready for intensive note-taking. Another full mug was opposite her, waiting for her contact to arrive.

"Hey!"

And there he was, and she forced herself to smile as every eye in the tavern turned to them.

"Any chance you could be a little quieter?" Rita hissed as he sat down opposite her, his brilliant blue eyes fixed on hers. He moved awkwardly in his black robes, as though he wasn't used to them.

He smiled and she pushed her butterbeer away. She didn't  _think_  it had been spiked, but the man was all but spilling charisma. It wouldn't be the first time someone had tried to manipulate her by means of a love potion. "Sure, I'll keep it nice and hush. You look pretty!"

"What?" Rita snapped. "Are you here for my journalistic contacts or to make inappropriate comments?"

"Oh, I wanted to relax you a bit. You looked ready to attack me earlier, and I thought you might be jealous of my good looks." The man was still smiling.

Rita was half-tempted to leave, and cursed the chuckle he'd wrung out of her. "You haven't even told me your name."

"Naruto." He stuck his hand out and she shook it. It was strong and incredibly calloused, and she realised he must work with his hands a lot. The thick callouses were unlike any she'd felt before – their spread and shape stood out as a mystery, and she loved mysteries.

Naruto coughed and drew his hand back, and Rita realised she'd been shaking it for a slightly too long. "So, you mentioned a scoop." She expertly stifled the note of avarice in her voice. Money she cared little for, but information was a real prize. Rita wondered what products Naruto used for his hair; she found herself jealous of its rich gold colour.

"Walden MacNair, an employee for the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, is-"

Her raised hand stopped him in an instant. "If it's about the Ministry, we can't talk here. Too much risk of being overheard."

He stood up without complaint. Rita grabbed her bag, swept her parchment and quill into it and led him outside. Few people watched them go but she was wary anyway.

"Do you know how to apparate?" she asked as they left the Three Broomsticks. He shook his head and she sighed. "Take my hand and don't let go. I'll side-along you."

Naruto stretched his hand out, almost apprehensive, and she would have laughed if she'd been any less professional. For all his casual skill at faking innocence, he was acting like he'd never apparated before. Rita grabbed him and turned on the spot, finding a space to move into that pulled her straight to her doorstep.

The feeling of intense pressure was so routine for her by now that she didn't even notice it, but as they arrived Naruto casually slammed her against the door with a blade to her throat before she could blink. She kept very still and a second later he let her down again, eyes sparkling and mischievous grin twitching. It had been a surprisingly gentle attack, all things considered.

"Sorry about that. It was a bit of a surprise and I thought you were trying to kill me at first."

Rita's heart was racing and she carefully reached for her wand. Naruto stepped away, empty hands at his sides. "You do realise that doesn't reassure me at all, right? Knowing you can draw and then hide a dagger that fast just makes me more worried."

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked, and for a moment she considered it. But she was a journalist, and that meant going where the news was. And Naruto probably had something really interesting, given his skillset. Was he an ex-Ministry employee, a hired assassin gone rogue? Or perhaps he was a foreign agent, sent to destabilise it. Was he working for He Who Must Not Be Named... or perhaps against him?

She opened her front door. "No, but I want you to tell me everything you know."

He followed her in and they sat on opposite sides of her kitchen table. Rita offered him tea, which he declined. Naruto hadn't drunk any of his butterbeer, either.

"So, what are you? An assassin? A spy?" she asked, sipping from her mug in her left hand while her right held a quill poised and ready.

He chuckled nervously and ran his fingers through his hair. Rita quashed the urge to smooth it back into place. "Something like that."

"Can you be more specific?"

"How about I tell you about my scoop first, as a sample, and then we can talk about trading other information?" he offered, and she nodded after a moment's thought.

 _Hesitant to talk about own background,_  she scrawled. After a moment's pause, she added  _Call him_ ' _Unnamed source' in article?_

And then he told her about MacNair. It was petty Ministry corruption of the sort that she regularly stumbled across, but the timing was fortuitous. She'd already targeted one department, and now she could spread the stink a little further. After grilling Naruto for every detail she could get, she finally set down the quill, took off her spectacles, and rubbed at her eyes. It was getting late, but not so late that she couldn't function tomorrow. She made a mental note to drink an extra cup of coffee in the morning.

"And now we get to the information-swapping," Naruto said, grinning. "You must be curious."

The 'about me' went unsaid. Rita nodded anyway, then cleared her throat. "What information do you want, though? If you're here to ask me about my sources, I can't reveal them. Professional integrity, you know. It's the only kind of integrity I have left, after all." It had been meant as a joke, but came out rather bitter.

Naruto took it in stride. "Well, I'm no paragon of virtue either. We can be reprobates together, if you like."

She smiled, then followed it up with a mock-stern look. "Don't think you're dodging the question that easily." While he was scarier than most of her usual targets, friendly and innocent appearance notwithstanding, Rita was capable of grilling absolutely  _anyone_  and damn proud of it.

"I want to know about You-Know-Who and his followers. You're a journalist; you keep your ear to the ground, you have sources. I don't want to know where you get your information from, but I'd like you to share the information itself." He was deadly serious for a moment, and looked at least ten years older. Rita shivered despite herself.

"I can't tell you that. You're free to read anything I publish, but I can't and won't act as your spy network." Her voice was firm and under the table she drew her wand, just in case he became unpleasant. A thrill of adrenaline sent her heart racing.

"You  _can_  tell me, you just won't. That's fine, it just means I need to find something to bargain with. How about another scoop?" Naruto was looking so guileless that Rita just  _knew_  he was guilty as sin.

She pretended to look thoughtful, her finger idly twirling through a lock of her hair. "If you can get me something more valuable, I'll trade. I'd be an idiot not to." Their eyes met and she knew that they both understood the underlying agreement.

He laughed, a warm and open sound that relaxed her even as she caught herself admiring his wide grin. "Oh, I'd be lying if I said you weren't fun. You're a smart woman, Ms Skeeter."

"Call me Rita, please. I don't even know your surname; we'd be fools to stand on ceremony."

"Never foolish, often foolhardy, is how my godfather always described me. But let's hash out terms. There's quite a few mutually beneficial arrangements we can make, surely?" Naruto leaned across the low oak table, reached out and lazily touched her hair with a single finger.

An electric thrill raced through Rita. She suddenly saw, with the benefit of hindsight, all the little signs her guest had been giving her, all the small exchanges she'd not quite been aware of. Their game was already near the finish, and she was glad to have finished their business first. Business before pleasure, and after it, and often during, that was her motto, but for this kind of fun she'd make an exception.

But she still had to play the game to its conclusion. "Oh?" Rita arched her eyebrow, slipped her wand back into its holster and kicked off her shoes. Her leg comfortably reached into Naruto's lap. His finger traced the edge of her earlobe and she took another good look at him.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked. Her eyes trailed from his mop of unruly hair over his fine, if slightly wrinkled, robes and ended up looking at his hands again. The fingernails were perfectly trimmed and she remembered Naruto effortlessly slamming her into her door again.

"I'm thinking it's been a long day, and you look quite tired." Her lips curved into a predatory grin against her will, and it seemed to fire him up.

"You look like you could do with a massage," he offered. "I can relax all of that tension in your shoulders, help you sleep."

"How old are you, anyway?" Rita interrupted. He was smooth as silk – or a noose, a darker part of her mind whispered – and she wondered just how long he'd been planning this before deciding she didn't particularly care.

Naruto laughed again, and now that she was looking for it Rita heard an undertone of nervousness. Had that been there the previous times he'd laughed? She drank a sip of water, wetting her mouth. "I'm twenty-two. Young enough to think I know best and old enough to refuse to change my mind."

Rita stood up and clapped her hands together. "Fuck it, I'm ready if you are."

* * *

Naruto swallowed and it did nothing for his dry throat. Rita was tired and had her guard down – he could have her under a genjutsu in the literal blink of an eye if he wanted to.

_If._

Now that it came down to it, what did he actually want? Naruto found he didn't precisely know. "Well, where's your bedroom? If you want a...  _massage_ , it'll need to be somewhere comfortable for you to lie down." He smoothed his voice, projecting the confidence he lacked.

She winked at him, actually winked, with no shame at all! Despite his best efforts, he felt a slow flush creep up his cheeks as she sashayed towards him. There were fine wrinkles barely visible at the edges of her steel-grey eyes, invisible to all but the sharpest of senses. Her bright red lips puckered into a faint pout as she took hold of him, her hand burning where it touched him through his clothes.

"It's this way," and she led him down a corridor. The house was small, or perhaps cosy was a better word, full of clutter and comfort. Rita's bedroom was no exception. She shrugged out of her robes and lay down on the bed, completely at ease in her underwear. Her glasses went onto the nightstand. Naruto envied her her composure and self-confidence.

He struggled out of his own robes as well, face burning with a different kind of embarrassment now. "Relax your back as much as you can so I can feel the knots better." Naruto's voice was deeper and coarser, a throaty growl that impressed as well as surprised him. He set to work, kneading the soft skin and muscles of Rita's neck and shoulders.

It was familiar work and the task relaxed him. Jiraiya had often stopped at hot springs and spas, and Naruto had been keen to learn as much as he could. His hands went through the motions and his mind wandered.

He could put her under a genjutsu that very instant if he wanted. Against anyone without any genjutsu training, it was very easy to ensnare and manipulate them. Even against most ninja, a subtle illusion was almost undetectable.

Naruto hesitated, and Rita twisted her head around awkwardly to look at him. "What's wrong?"

A brief pause then, "nothing." Naruto's hands went back to work and she made a soft, contented sound.

What did he want? There was a soft, supple and quite frankly beautiful woman writhing under his hands, and he was a young man with hormones. That was enough of an answer for him.

His hands roamed a little further down, and he was soon kneading Rita's buttocks. She gave a happy little wriggle and he pulled her head around for a kiss. It was a heady feeling and he felt all the blood rush from his head to her hand on his cock.

They stayed like that for a moment before Rita pushed him onto his back. The blankets under Nartuo were soft, but not as soft as the woman on top of him. She ran her hands over his chest and he relaxed, letting her explore his chest.

"Aren't you a handsome one," she crooned and he smirked. She trailed a fingertip down to his crotch and pulled down his underwear, slowly revealing his erection. She gripped it in both hands and Naruto shuddered in pleasure at the feeling.

A few swift strokes left him gasping and Rita pressed her mouth onto his again. His head swam; he felt almost paralyzed. Her hot breath on his cheek and her locks of hair tickling his face seemed unbearably tender, and he desperately kissed her again and again. He was drowning in her.

Rita pulled her bra off and ran her hands up and down her body. With a glint in her eye, she trailed a bright-green nail along Naruto's bicep and down his chest, gradually touching him more firmly until both hands were following the thin stripe of hair from his navel to his groin. Naruto grasped for her delicate breasts, pulled her to him and tasted them gently, exploring their small mounds with his hands and tongue. She squeezed his ass with one hand while the other groped his stomach. She was incredibly aggressive, and he realised he very much liked it.

"What about that massage?" he forced out, trying not to laugh. Rita swatted him lightly across the nose.

"Perhaps later."

And with that, she pulled her knickers down and lay across his prone form.

"So, we're about to do this, yeah?"

"Don't tell me you're nervous! Look, I want you to tie me up." Rita was businesslike again. "I have some silk ties in my nightstand. Give me a second."

Naruto lay there, completely blindsided. She wanted him to  _what?_

"Here we go. Hands and feet both, please, and then feel free to ravish me. The safeword is 'avocado'."

He took the strips of silk cloth from her as she fell back onto the bed, holding her hands and feet together. Self-consciously at first, then with growing speed, he bound her wrists with a firm knot of the sort that could hold an enemy ninja.

Once he'd started it got easier, and when Naruto was done Rita lay there with a pleased grin on her face.

"You're pretty good at this! Now, just go ahead and do whatever you want. Tease me, take me, but no hitting."

Naruto sat and looked at her for a moment, considering. Then he took another tie and pulled her hands and feet together, lashing them together. He tilted his head in a silent question.

"Did I say the safeword? No? Then keep going," Rita said, a little of her acid nature leaking through. Naruto spun her around so that she was facing away from him with her rear completely exposed.

"You asked for this," he warned her before he slipped a single finger into her. She moaned and writhed in overacted pleasure as he teased her for a moment before pulling it out again. "Now, there's no need to get impatient."

Holding her there, aroused and helpless, was almost better than actually taking her. Naruto didn't think of himself as a sadist, but he couldn't help but enjoy the situation. He judged from her condition that Rita was also fairly pleased with the way things were going.

"Hang on," he said, and slipped out of the room. He remembered a dreamcatcher from the kitchen, a huge and gaudy thing that hung just by the window. It was the work of a moment to snatch out one of the long feathers.

When he burst back into the bedroom, Rita had wriggled herself around to face him. She was frowning, but her face lit up when she saw what was in his hand. "Oh, good idea!"

"Now, you moving around like that was very naughty. You're a bad girl, aren't you?" Naruto stood over her, erect cock waving slowly.

Rita looked up at him from the bed. "Oh yes, I've been very bad. I think I may need to be punished."

The soles of her feet were an enticing target for Naruto's tickly revenge, and so he started there. She was soon helplessly laughing as he worked his way up her legs, whisking the soft touch of the feather from point to point.

"Have you had enough yet?"

Rita was wriggling like mad, and barely got the words out. "I've had enough, I'll be good now!"

Naruto grinned as he tickled her one last time. "That's excellent, because bad girls get punished, but good girls get rewarded. Are you ready for your reward?"

"Yes, I'm ready!"

Naruto untied her feet from her hands, then undid the bindings on her ankles. The bedposts were soon repurposed as anchors for each of Rita's feet, leaving her on her back with her legs apart. He leant over her, penis touching her lower stomach. Her breath whispered over his chest and he kissed her, pushing into it.

She responded eagerly and eventually they broke apart for air. Naruto pushed into her in a long, slow stroke. Rita moaned as he went deeper and deeper, her toes curling.

"You like that?" he asked, pulling all the way out again. Naruto was surprised again at how much fun he was having.

She nodded frantically. "Don't you dare stop!"

"Would I?" The byplay wasn't up to Naruto's normal standards, but he thought that the circumstances rather excused that.

He thrust forward again, settling into a steady rhythm. They were both sweaty and panting, and Naruto grabbed Rita's breasts again. They were delightfully soft and slightly damp from the mauling he'd given them earlier. He dove right back in, sucking and licking away.

"Do you like them? I made them myself, you know," Rita said. Naruto's mouth was too busy for a verbal reply, so he tried to be as clear as possible without speaking. He swirled his tongue around a nipple, then worked his mouth higher and gently bit the side of her neck.

Her hips were bucking against his, moving as far as the bindings allowed. He picked up the pace and soon the mattress was shifting slightly as he drove himself into her, forcing Rita's body into the bed.

It didn't take long, given the punishing pace he'd set, for Naruto to reach his limits. With a final grunt of pleasure, he burst into her. Her moaning had picked up and he ploughed on for a few more seconds until Rita had also come.

After they'd both yelled themselves hoarse, Naruto sprawled back onto the bed, spent. Rita was equally exhausted, it seemed.

But after a few seconds, she raised her head to look at him. "You can untie me now, you know?"

"But then how will I have my wicked way with you again later?" Naruto asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Avocado. I need a cup of tea first, you horny devil," Rita said, rolling her eyes but smiling.

* * *

The next morning, Naruto woke up with the sun in his eyes. Rita was next to him, looking strangely vulnerable as she slept. Perhaps it was the lack of glasses, or perhaps it was that her mouth had relaxed, but she seemed almost gentle.

Without thinking about it, Naruto pulled her close and just held her.

* * *

"...so now that you've heard my report, I'm gonna go catch up with Lee. Toodles!" And with that, Naruto hopped out of the window, leaving a speechless Hokage behind. On his desk sat a mission report that was effectively crude pornography (including stick figure diagrams!) and a blue silk tie, 'for a present' as Naruto had claimed.

"I'm getting too old for this," Sarutobi grumbled as he ordered ANBU to eliminate the two sordid items.


End file.
